I Will Try To Fix You

“Why do you think I have feelings for you?”

Connor stood inches away from me as he spoke. He was irritated that I was egging him on, but I couldn't help it. I knew this could go horribly wrong and I kept pushing anyway. It kind of felt like a sneeze. As badly as I wanted to prevent it, it still forced it's way out.

I didn't owe anything to Connor, okay scratch that. Maybe I did. Maybe that's why I felt a yearning to fix what I had broken. I would be lying if I said I didn't spend the whole summer constantly reliving the day I broke the news to Connor about Jonah and I. The pain I felt when I saw sadness emerging in his eyes like a time lapse of thundering rain clouds filled with past betrayals. And ever since then I'd been wanting to fix him.

It didn't help that he gave Jonah a bloody nose that same night. It only confused me even more because, as much as I wanted to help him, I despised him for his actions. So much so that I'd forgotten the reason he was upset with me. I was the one to do this to him. I was the one to blame.

It had taken me until this moment that he'd turned around and finally looked into my eyes to be reminded of my shame.

I took a step back. “I'm sorry” I mumbled.

My eyebrows furrowed as realization struck my face. I took another step back and held onto Connor's desk behind me.

He let go of the doorknob and looked at me with concern. “Are you okay?” He asked. “You don't look so good.”

“I'm fine” I held up my free hand taking a moment to gather my scattered thoughts. “Is it hot in here?” I looked up at him, pulling the collar of my scrub top.

“No” He said slowly as he cautiously walked toward me. “But your face is as red as a tomato. Are you sure you're feeling okay?” He held both of his hands out as if he were ready to catch me if I fell.

“No” I shook my head leaning myself off the desk.

He flinched, thinking I was getting ready to pass out. “No?”

“No, I mean yes.” I shook my head again. “I mean, yes I feel fine!” I took a deep breath to try and calm myself. Connor watched intently. “I feel like I just got hit in the face with a brick.”

“I can believe that.” He said.

I stumbled side ways until I was able to sit down in a chair. “What's it called when you have a deeper understanding of something you've already known?”

Connor's irritation for me had turned into genuine concern for my mental well being. “An epiphany” he answered as he sat down in the chair across from me.

“Yeah, an epiphany.” I repeated. “I just had an epiphany.”

“Oh, God, Lynn.” Connor said as he rolled his eyes “Leave it to you to bring the drama! I thought you lost your fucking marbles!”

Connor didn't have much of a Boston accent, but he would slip every now and again. Like just then at the end of his sentence. “ya fa-king mah-bles”

“Look, Connor” I sat up right to show him I was serious. “I know this isn't the time or place, but I owe you an apology.” He sat quietly, putting his hand down onto the arm rest. “I betrayed your trust and confidence. And I hope that by acknowledging this we can move forward instead of staying stagnant.”

There was a knock on the door before it cracked open. It was Connor's assistant. “Dr. Cassidy, the patient in room 3 is upset that you've kept him waiting for over 10 minutes now. He said he's going to leave if you don't come in soon.”

Connor nodded to her and held up a finger, gesturing that he'd be there in a minute. He waited a second before she was gone to respond. “Okay” He said. His eyes stared down at the floor.

I looked around confused. Okay, he accepts my apology? Or, okay, he agrees we should move forward?

He pushed himself up and out of his chair. He leaned over his desk to grab a file and walked towards the door. “Are you coming?”

“Yeah” I said and followed after him.

Today of all days ended up being the busiest day at Connor's office. We didn't even have a moment to sit down for a second. It was one patient after the next. I couldn't complain since it eased some of the awkward tension from that morning. I only found myself thinking about it for a brief second somewhere towards the early afternoon, but aside from that we were both doing a good job of putting on a front.

The last patient of the day shook Connor's hand and walked out of the exam room. Connor took a seat in front of the computer and began putting in his notes.

After bagging the biopsy sample from the patient, I took off my latex gloves and pumped out some antibacterial. “I'm gonna have to drop this off at the lab since it's past 5 o’clock. Did you need me to run anything else?” I held the bag under my arm as I rubbed my hands together. I was walking towards the door when Connor stopped me.

“Wait” He turned around in his swivel chair. “Can we talk for a second?”

Here it was. I put the bag on the counter and shut the door behind me as I walked back in. I pulled out another swivel chair and sat down.

“You were right” He sighed. “It really, really, bothered me how unapologetic you've been this whole time.”

“Connor” I sighed.

He held up his hand to stop me. “I know I'm difficult about expressing my emotions, but it hurt, Lynn. You knew how I felt and you played on my insecurities.”

I stayed quiet to show my remorse.

“I guess I got the affirmation I needed this morning.”

“Look Connor” I leaned my elbow on the counter. “I know you don't have feelings for me”

Connor looked at me in agreement“That's what I've been trying to tell you”

I nodded “But, you do have feelings for me”

His expression turned in to confusion. “Are you sure you're okay?”

“I don't mean feelings like you're still in love with me. Which, by the way, you've made pretty clear that you're not.” I shot him a side eye. “I mean, feelings, as in you still get angry every time you see me, or think about me, or talk to me. Hate is still an emotion, Connor.”

Even though Connor was trying to explain his emotions I could tell it was still uncomfortable for him. I knew this opportunity wouldn't present itself again, so I tried to get everything out.

“I know you're putting on this front because we're both kind of stuck in this unfortunate situation together. But, I can tell by the way you're short with me that you're still angry with me. And I know that's mainly my fault. When I heard about the altercation between you and Jonah, it just automatically filled my mind with all your negative features. I thought of every moment you ever made me angry, and from that point I just associated you with that negativity. The funny thing is, I thought you were the one who owed me an apology.”

“I mean, I could have gone without punching him” Connor managed to crack half a smile. “But, he was right there and it was too tempting.”

“I didn't mean to step my boundaries this morning when I mentioned Danielle. I really do wish you two the best. But, in order for me to love Jonah whole-heartedly I can't have feelings, whether good or bad, for someone else. I guess in the back of my mind I remember what a great guy you are... when you aren't being a total dick...and after everything you've been through you deserve to have the same happiness that I have.”

“I get it” He nodded his head. “You think I can't move forward successfully without processing my emotions.”

“It wasn't fair to me when you brought old baggage to our new relationship, and it won't be fair to Danielle, or any girl in the future, for you to associate my actions with them. You have to break the cycle.” I sighed “I'm just tired of this act we keep running in circles about. I'm tired of us constantly fighting. We work in the same field, Connor, we're bound to run into each other time and time again. I want to see you happy.”

Connor stood up from his chair. “I don't see why we can't be adults about this” He stuck out his hand for me to shake. I stood up from my chair and we both stared at one another as if to make a silent treaty. I held out my hand and shook his. After coming clean and saying what we needed to say we were finally starting fresh.