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Thursday, March 19, 2015

Stubborn Love

“What the fuck!”

I screamed as I stared down at the pregnancy test. My heart couldn't beat any faster than it already was. I was practically in the fetal position (no pun intended) pulling my hair out. Jonah and Kadie both jumped up from the couch at the same time.

“What? What is it?” Jonah walked around the coffee table to where I was curled up.

Kadie trailed after him, “what does it say?”

I groaned irritatedly. This was the third test I tried. They were all telling me the same thing. “It didn't read.”

Kadie hissed, “What kind of cheap test did you pick up, Jaime?”

He rolled his eyes, “I grabbed whatever Duane Reade had, okay?” Jaime picked up another box off the table and tossed it to me. “Try this one.”

Sarah gently pushed his hand away. “ I think it's safe to say you're not pregnant.”

“Or it could just be too soon to tell.” Jaime added.

Sarah gave Jaime a stern look. “What” he whispered and shrugged. “It happens you know.”

“Well, one things for sure. I'm all peed out.” I tossed the test stick in my hand onto the table. Jaime flinched back in disgust.

“How bout we call it a night, guys.” Jonah stood up and everyone followed one by one. “Let's give Lynn some space.” He turned back to look at me. “I know it's gonna be hard to wait, but maybe tomorrow you can go to your doctor and find out what's going on.”

I sighed heavily and rubbed the heels of my palm against my temple. “I most definitely can't wait, but I guess it's better than reading another error.”

I reassured everyone that I'd be okay before they finally agreed to leave. The truth was with every bad reading I was growing more and more emotionless. Like, I didn't know how to feel. On one hand I kept thinking about how young I am. How I'm still in school and haven't even started my career. On the other hand, part of me really wanted to have this baby with Jonah.

The only way I could pick myself up off the floor was to pretend the last hour of my life didn't actually happen. I cleared the mess and sanitized everything. Jonah was already in bed by the time I was done. He laid on his back staring up at the ceiling. I changed into my pajamas and joined him.

“What are you thinking about?” I finally broke the silence.

Jonah turned his head to look at me and then went back to staring at the ceiling. “My dad” a smile slowly crept up on his face. “My elementary school was just a couple of blocks away from the house. So, everyday my dad would walk there to pick me up after school. It wasn't far, but we'd always take our time walking home. Sometimes he'd take me to the park, or we'd go to the field and play a little catch, it was like our bonding moment.”

My eyes watched Jonah's mouth as he spoke. “That's cute” I whispered.

“I'd always ask him all these questions.”

“Like what?” I closed my eyes and listened.

“Oh, you know, random little nothings.” I felt the bed move as Jonah shifted. “Mainly questions about being an adult. He'd answer most of them, but the ones I really wanted to know he'd always give me the same answer to.”

I peeked through my lashes, Jonah was still aimlessly staring up at the ceiling. “What would he say?”

“Ask me when you're older.” He exhaled a slight laugh. “It's just not fair.” Jonah's voice cracked and his lip began to curl in. My eyelids were no longer heavy. I stared intently, confused by his sudden reaction.

He took in a deep breath to help him calm down. After a few seconds he finally spoke. “It's not fair that I need him and he's not here.” He pressed his lips together tightly as he held in a sob.

I immediately popped up onto my elbow to comfort him, but he was already gone into the bathroom shutting the door behind him.

“Jonah, baby...” I gently pushed the door open. He had his back turned towards me. “Are you crying?”

He tried to clear his throat, but it didn't help much. “No” I saw his hand reach up towards his face. “I just... I need a minute”

I walked up behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist and kissed his back. As fun loving of a guy Jonah was, he had a deep emotional side that he wouldn't let anyone see. Not even me. I could tell by all the stories I heard from his family that he was left to be the man in charge. He'd always seen his dad as a happy, joke-y guy that loved his wife deeply. So, that's what he'd portray, making sure he hid the real raw emotions for himself.

I walked around until we were face to face. His eyes were closed, avoiding contact, and a wave of sadness took over his face in a way I couldn't even bare to witness. I wrapped my arms around him again in a tight hug. I felt his body shake as he continued to sob silently it almost made me want to cry too.

“Jonah” I whispered “It's okay” my hands rubbed his back gently hoping to soothe him.

“It's not okay, Lynn. I need him the most now and he's not here. He's never going to be here.”

“Shhh” I tried to calm him down. “He's always here. He's with you now. And guess what Joni? I'm here. You always have your mom and your sisters and me. You don't always have to feel like you're alone.”

His breathing deepened and the sobbing gradually ceased. “I know” he cleared his throat again. “It's just scary to think I might be a father one day. What if something happens to me? I don't ever want my kid to feel the way I do.”

“Jon!” I lifted my head off his chest and stared at him. “Don't think like that.” I held onto both his shoulders. “If I am pregnant...and if it is yours...” I was having such a rough day, the last thing I wanted to do was joke around, but I knew it would lighten Jonah's mood.

The side of his mouth slightly curled.

“And if that child even gets to spend a day with you, I'd consider him lucky. But that's not something we're in control of. We're only in control of being the best that we can be and that's really all I can ask from you.”

“I know” Jonah whispered. “Sorry.” he wiped the tears from his cheek and looked down at me.

“For what?” I asked.

“For making this about me when really I know you're losing your mind right now.” He leaned down and kissed the top of my head.

“We're in this together, Jonah. It's not about me, it's about us.”

Jonah managed to let out half a laugh. “Who knew you'd be the sensible one in a rough situation?”

I smiled, “I don't usually have my shit together do I?”

Jonah jokingly shook his head. “No, no you don't.”

The next morning I paced the halls of school waiting for the clock to strike nine. I was anxious to call my doctor. I needed to know what these pregnancy test weren't telling me. Sarah walked alongside me. She was just as nervous. Henry was waiting in class for us. He had no idea what was going on, but I made sure it stayed that way until things were confirmed.

“It's nine! It's nine!” Sarah shook my shoulder. I looked down at my phone, I already had the number on speed dial. The phone rang, and rang...and rang. It felt like it was never ending. Finally, after a few minutes, I heard a voice on the other end. We spoke briefly before I hung up.

“Well, should we go?” Sarah asked, turning towards the exit.

“No” I looked defeated. “She doesn't have any openings until Monday.”

“We can call someone else!” Sarah dug through her purse for her phone. “Here, I'll give you my doctor's number!”

I pushed her hand away and took a deep breath. “It's okay. I think I'm going to wait.” Sarah gave me the most bewildered look I'd ever seen. “I trust my doctor. Plus, I don't know Sar, something's telling me to wait.”

“Mother's instinct” Sarah blurted. “Oh, I mean..”

I smiled and rolled my eyes. If she'd said that to me yesterday I would have freaked out. Like legitimately freaked out. But, after my moment with Jonah I felt a weird calming sensation.

I told Sarah we'd talk about it after my appointment, but until then I didn't want to hear any pregnancy talk. I even texted Jaime and Kadie saying the same thing. It wasn't that I was trying to ignore it. But, I couldn't get my emotions in check. Either I was one way or another, two complete opposites, and never in between.

I knew Jonah was filming during the day, so I didn't bother him until late in the evening when I was out of school. I told him I was walking to the subway on my way home, but he asked if I could meet him in Central Park. He needed a break from work and wanted to see me.

I waited on the park bench deep in the middle of the park. It was the same spot we'd always meet at. It was the only part of the park that wasn't always crowded. I watched the sun hide behind the trees as it set.

Jonah appeared in the distance, hands behind his back, still wearing a suit. I could tell it was Tom Ford by the way the fabric glistened. His wardrobe team always made him wear it because of how well it looked on camera. I smiled as I watched him. It reminded me of when we'd first met and how excited I would get to see him in a suit. It was always form fitted and made him look like he was the most important man in the room.

“Oh” I was caught by surprise as Jonah handed me a bouquet of flowers. “These are beautiful. What's the occasion?” I smiled.

Jonah shrugged. “I saw them on my way here and they reminded me of you”

I leaned forward to give him a kiss. We'd become so busy with our lives that little gestures like this felt foreign.

I told Jonah about my phone call with the doctor. He asked if I was okay and I told him how I'd been feeling. He told me he'd been thinking a lot since the night before. That's when he turned to me nervously.

“Lynn, last night was a big moment for me. I've never let anyone see me like that. And you helped me get through it so selflessly.”

I rubbed his knee as I spoke. “Babe, it's okay. He was a big part of your life. You can't always hold up a wall, Jonah, it's not healthy.”

“I know, I know” He said as he covered his face with his hands. “I've always tried to hide it, but with you I never felt more at peace.”

I smiled at the sweet little compliment and hugged him.

“It all makes sense now.” Jonah smirked as he looked at me.

“What makes sense?” I asked.

“The way I felt when I first saw you. I wasn't nervous, I mean I was because obviously you're too beautiful for a guy like me.”

“Oh come on, 'Mr. Campus Stud'.” I air quoted sarcastically. “I'm lucky to have you”

“When I first saw you, I felt relieved. I felt like I'd been subconsciously looking for you my whole life, and when I finally saw you standing in front of me the first thought that came to mind was, “there she is.” I couldn't believe I was staring at my future. I'm one of the luckiest people in the world to know that I've found the love of my life.”

“Jonah” I felt a tiny bit of water building up at the corner of my eyes.

“I thought I was crazy, Lynn! I'd never felt this emotion before and it was scary. But..” He grabbed my hands and intertwined his fingers with mine. “My feelings for you were confirmed each and every time the universe brought us back together. It's been that way since before we even met. The fact that you had a desire to come to the City where I, out of millions of people, ended up being the first person you met speaks volumes, Lynn. And since that day, I fell deeper in love with you with each and every one of your quirks.

“I'm not that quirky” I felt the tears finally roll down my face. Jonah smiled and wiped them away.

“What I'm trying to say is, I love you. I always have and I always will.” Jonah's hands let go of mine. He reached into his suit pocket and slide off of the park bench and onto one knee. He was so nervous he could barely smile.

My immediate reaction was a gasp. I covered my mouth to stop myself from crying uncontrollably.

“Lynn Lee, will you marry me?”

He opened the ring box and I was in complete and utter shock. Inside rested the most beautiful sapphire ring surrounded by diamonds. It would give the Duchess of Cambridge a run for her money.

“Oh my God! Yes! Yes!” I held Jonah's face between my hands. “A million times yes!”

We kissed passionately before Jonah slipped the ring onto my finger. I stared at it in amazement. It wasn't how gorgeous the ring was that caught me off guard, but the fact that it was the same ring I would stare at in the window display of Harry Winston. I hadn't even told Jonah how much I liked it. Or anyone for that matter.

He read my expression. “I've seen you drool over it every time we pass the window display.” He smiled and shrugged. “And the fact that it's the only thing you have pinned on your wedding board on Pinterest.”

I laughed, embarrassed. “I thought that thing was private.” I rested my hand on Jonah's chest and stared at the ring as it twinkled. His hands rested on the small of my back as he continued to watch me. It was then that I remembered why we were here in the first place.

“But Jonah...” I slide my hand off his chest. “I don't want you to do this just because I might be pregnant. Because if that's the case, I rather you do it when you're ready.”

Jonah smirked. “You think all of this is because you might be pregnant? Lynn, I've been carrying around this box in my pocket every day for the last year. I even asked for your father's permission when he came into town for Kadie's wedding.”

I was taken back.“Really?”

Jonah laughed. “Yes! I've just been too nervous. I planned on doing this a million different ways, but after last night, it just finally felt right.”

“What'd my dad say?” I asked as I nuzzled myself into Jonah's arms. He rested his head on mine.

“He gave me his blessings and told me good luck. That I'd need it because of how stubborn you are.”

That sounded exactly like something my dad would say. “What'd you tell him?”

“I told him how obsessed you are with me and that there was no doubt you'd say yes.”

I pushed Jonah's shoulder and he laughed. “I love you, Lynn”

“I love you too, Jonah.” I whispered.

29 comments:

  1. Oh my god!!! I'm in love <3 this is definitely my favorite blog!

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  2. Awww.. I love proposals! That one was perfect.

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  3. Awesome!!! I loved it!!

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  4. Okay, best post ever on the best blog ever! I am absolutely obsessed with these two and have seriously been waiting for this post ever since Lynn and Jonah got back together!! Such a beautifully written post! Loved every single thing about it!

    - Holly

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  5. AWWWW I LOVE IT!!!! Crying real tears here lol. I love this blog

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  6. Perfect!!! The best post yet! I love these two and love this blog!

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  7. I don't think I've ever teared up at a blog post before. This was so sweet! Yay!!

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  8. I'm doing a mental jig, cause Lynn and Jonah make me believe in fairy tales. They also remind me most of hubby and me. I literally almost cried.

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    1. Yep! Especially him saying with Lynn he's never felt more at peace. That's how I felt when I met my husband. We just got married in October so this post made me hide behind my computer screen and find a tissue. Dangit allergies!

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    2. Anon, I'm so happy you have a similar love connection with your husband! Sounds like you've got quiet a catch ;)

      Srob, congrats on becoming a newly wed! I'm sorry about the tears, but simultaneously it warms my heart to know that my writing has an emotional connection with my reader :) Even if it's allergies :P

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  9. awwwwww im so happy for them!!!!!

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  10. I am SO happy, and SO excited - I love Jonah and Lynn together - their relationship seems so authentic and real! May I humbly request a bonus post on Jonah's perspective about this whole engagement thing, finding a ring, asking her dad, buying it so long ago, the nerves, possible pregnancy...you wrote him so well before!

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    1. I totally agree w/Jonah's view on things how freaking amazing. Take that little Miss Kadie w/her negativity about Jonah & marriage he had the ring the WHOLE TIME!!!

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    2. I will humbly take your request for consideration! :) I love my readers dearly and if it means a lot to y'all it means a lot to me.

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  11. I am heartless. This was sweet, but I felt nothing. Lol none of that cutsie stuff everyone's talking about. And I'm not single and bitter, I'm happily married.
    This is an interesting turn of events though

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  12. I loved it. Great entry. Wish the story kept going. Can't wait for the next one!

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  13. Chris - @nylonlover69 on IG/TwitterMarch 20, 2015 at 10:39 AM

    Gee, thanks for making my cry at work! lol

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  14. This was so cute, Jonah is adorable.

    www.elinainlondon.com

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  15. Awww! I am so happy for Jonah and Lynn. I'm in tears... NYD is impeccable. Hopefully I find my Jonah some day.

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    1. Courtney, thank you so much for the kind words! Sometimes when you're so deep in your work you forget what really matters and I have to say reading how you feel about NYD made me remember that. So, thank you! And as I told another reader, I'm sorry for the tears, but at the same time it's heart warming to know that those emotions came through my writing.

      May we all find our Jonahs one day ;)

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  16. I've re-read this about ten time because I love this post so much! Then I went back a re-read all of my favorite Jonah and Lynn posts! I love this blog so much and love how well you write it! You rock!

    -Katherine

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  17. I've never commented on here before, but I can't help myself! This blog is getting REALLY good, and this post in particular really tugged at my heartstrings!

    As a side note, a BIG thank you to the author, your writing is impeccable, and the fact that you always keep your readers in the loop and engage with us really is a testament to your character. I hope you keep shining bright! :)

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  18. I read the entire blog in maybe 3 days, and this one had me crying the whole time, you're great at writing this and getting us readers so invested in the story :D

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  19. If I could like this post 827029849749187140 million, trillion, bagillion times.... I WOULD. You are so awesome! My grandmother just passed away this weekend, and when I read this it just really warmed my soul and made me so happy! So thank you for that!

    I also can't wait to read about their wedding planning in the future!!! I am getting married in 2 weeks and I love reading about the madness of it all. Especially with Jonah's family... this is gonna get interesting. haha

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