Doctor Patient Confidentiality

It was Wednesday evening and I found myself standing in front of Connor's apartment. I didn't know what I was going to say, but I knew I had to clear the tension between us.

I tried to collect my thoughts before I knocked on his door. I have a bad habit of letting my thoughts run wild during confrontations. I intend to say one thing, but end up saying something completely different. And then, of course, I get upset when I remember that I didn't get a chance to express my original concern. It's a personal battle that always leaves me defeated.

I took a deep breathe and knocked. A few seconds passed before Connor opened the door. He looked tired. His eyes were drooping and his hair was messy. It was the first time I'd seen him like his. Connor was the type of guy that, no matter what, was always put together. The corner of his mouth slightly curved into a smile when he saw me.

“We need to talk, Connor.”

Without saying a word he opened his door and took a step back letting me inside.

“Do you want something to drink?” He questioned from the kitchen.

“Water is fine.” I wanted a clear head for our talk.

He walked over with a couple of bottled waters for the both of us. We took a seat on the couch. Connor nestled in to the corner slightly facing me. He sat on one folded leg with his arms stretched across the back and arm rest.

“I should have been honest with you since the beginning.” I fiddled with my bottle of water, avoiding eye contact. “There's really no excuse for my behavior. I found myself in that scenario and panicked. I keep ending up in these questionable situations that I've never dealt with before. It's a learning process. But...I'm sorry. I really am.”

Connor's eyes were fixed on my hands nervously drumming. He slowly nodded his head as if he were replaying my words in his mind. There was a brief moment of silence before he broke it. “So, now that we're past that.” his hand gestured between the two of us, “Do you mind telling me how you ended up in that situation?”

I put my bottle down on the table. I relaxed my tensed body and mocked Connor's sitting position. “It's a long story.” I ran my fingers through my hair as I sighed, remembering how crazy that night was.

Connor widened his eyes and looked around. “I mean, I'm not going anywhere. Might as well Dr. Phil you, right?”

I gave Connor a sarcastic grin. “My original plans were with you.”

Connor folded his arms across his chest as if he were excited to hear the rest of the story. “Realllllly?”

I rolled my eyes and continued. “I was seeing this guy at that time. He was actually moving to LA the next day. Any way he wanted us to spend his last night together, but I'd already made plans with you.”

“You ditched your last night with the guy you were seeing, to go to dinner with me?” Connor asked, surprised.

I gave him a look, as if to say, see I'm not as bad as you think!

“So, tell me, how'd he end up there again?”

“When I got to the neighborhood, I thought I texted you. Turns out I sent it to him by accident. He thought I changed my mind and wanted to meet” I threw up my hands, letting Connor's memory fill in the blanks.

“Let me guess” Connor sat up straight and with a dramatic voice continued, “He came, professed his love, and then you two went off riding into the moonlight leaving the devilishly handsome doctor behind.”

“All but the last is true” I smirked at Connor and he returned my sarcastic grin. “So, now I have a question for you.”

Connor avoided eye contact. His gaze was set at the window behind me. I leaned over into his field of vision and he suddenly snapped back to reality. “Shoot” his voice cracked.

“If you were so irritated with me why did you want to be friends with benefits?” I have to admit, the main reason I came to apology to Connor was to get answers for his behavior.

“I told you already” He shrugged his shoulder.

“Connor, we can't move forward if you won't open up.”

“You're the one that kept persistently coming back into my life.” Connor said accusingly. “I didn't want to get hurt. I figured this arrangement would be the closest thing I could have to being in a relationship with you. And if it went any further than that...” He left his words lingering in the air. The silence revealed more than Connor possibly could.

I looked down into my lap, picking at my jeans. “There has to be more. What I did that night was inexcusable, I know, and I've apologized. But, you can't be this hurt from just me, Connor.”

I could tell I'd struck a nerve with him. He shot me a look and for the first time that night, stared me dead in the eye.

“It's getting late” Connor tried changing the subject again.

I grabbed his arm gesturing for him to stop. “You can't do this every time emotions get too raw.”

Connor let out a deep sigh, covering his eyes with his hand. His elbow was still leaning on the back of the couch. He rubbed his forehead before he diverted his attention back to me. “I married my high school sweet heart.” he started slowly. “She was everything. But, I guess I wasn't enough for her. The first few years of residency are always the hardest. And she felt my absence. I came home one night and found her with another man. You know what the funny thing is?”

I nodded my head. I didn't know how to respond to Connor when he was in such a deep place.

“The funny thing is, he was practically living at my house. I was just too busy to see it. I hadn't even noticed that my things were replaced with his.” He stopped for a minute before he continued. “After we got a divorce it had taken me some time to get over her. And when I did I found Colleen.” His eyes squinted at her memory. “She wanted me for my money. The only good thing that came from her was finding out how insignificant it really is. My family was poor growing up. Money was always the goal. Don't get me wrong, I had a great childhood. Once I had money and I saw the greed it brought to the people around me, I realized I didn't want it anymore. I was happier without it. So, I started giving it away to people who needed it more than I did.” Connor sat quietly thinking about the words he'd said out loud.

“So, your wife left you because of your career and your girlfriend wanted your money.” I tried to some up everything Connor just admitted to me.

“In hindsight, yeah, pretty much.”

I sat up straight and cupped Connor's hands in mine. “I don't think what we're doing is going to give you any clarity with your past. “

“I don't think it is either” Connor whispered. He looked defeated. His hand freed from mine and ran through his hair. “I can't believe you turned this whole thing around on me” He looked up and smiled.

“The student becomes the teacher” I planted my palms together and slightly bowed my head towards Connor. We both laughed.

“I think it's safe to say, we both have some issues we need to work out. And maybe one day when we do, we can see how things go from there?” I stood up from my seat and Connor followed. He gently nodded his head in agreement and leaned forward to hug me. We said our good byes and I headed back to my apartment.

It was still early in the night and I hadn't eaten dinner yet. I texted Kadie to let her know I was on my way back. Luckily she'd gotten off of work late and was just heading home.

I decided to jump off the subway a few stops early. I wanted to walk the rest of the way home. I needed a minute to myself to sort out my feelings.

I was happy Connor and I finally came clean with each other. It was the first time I didn't run away from my problems. I knew it was a shitty situation, but it was a learning experience. It made me realize how I was always relying on others to fill the hole in my soul. But, the hole I'd created could only be filled by me. I smiled to myself as I had the epiphany.