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Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Breaking Point

“Well??” Jaime shouted in suspense. “What did you tell him after he confessed his love for you?”

The night before Connor came over to my place to celebrate my school year ending. Whether it was planned or not, he ended up dropping the L bomb. The night had gone down hill so fast that the only way for a pick me up was going to brunch with Jaime the next afternoon.

“I didn't tell him anything.” I poked at my waffles. My head rested on my fist. I was emotionally drained.

Jaime pretended to choke on his coffee. “Wait, what?” He put his cup down and gave me a stern look. “The Greek God in the shape of a man you've been shagging for the last few months finally tells you he loves you and you give him nothing? Are you fucking kidding me?”

Leave it to Jaime to put it nicely.

“I didn't completely leave him hanging, J.” I put down my fork and stared back at him.

“Well...” Jaime shrugged his shoulders waiting for my response.

“There was an awkward moment of silence. So, I grabbed his face and rushed into a kiss.”

“Oh, my, God” He mumbled slowly as his hands slid from his head, over his eyes, and down to his mouth.

“Ugh, Jaime.” I moaned. “You don't understand. Old Lynn would have said 'I love you' back to him without thinking about it, just to make him happy.”

“Who the hell is old Lynn, and why isn't she here?” He threw up his hands, asking rhetorically.

“You really think I should have said it to him?” I folded my arms and sat back in my chair.

Jaime sighed when he saw the look on my face.“I know I'm being a little harsh on you. But, imagine what you're putting him through. He's trying hard to make it work with you and you can't even tell him how you properly feel.”

“It's not that I don't love him. It's just” I stopped to choose my words “I don't know if I have everything figured out yet.”

“Well if you want my advice” Jaime pulled out his wallet as a waitress approached our table. I tried to stop him from paying for my meal, but he hushed me by putting his hand up and giving his card to the waitress. I lipped thank you to him as he continued talking. “Figure out what you want as soon as possible. It's not fair to leave him hanging.”

Our waitress came back to have Jaime sign the receipt. We grabbed our things before we walked out of the restaurant. Jaime was on his way to his shift at the hospital so we said our goodbyes.

I was a couple blocks away from Kadie's place and decided to stop by. It gave me some time to think on my walk over to her place.

“Lynn!” Adam greeted me as he opened the door. “You're just in time. Kadie and I were about to start a Game of Thrones marathon.”

“Hey Lynn” Kadie came prancing out of her room. She looked happier than usual.

“Hey!” I smiled back. “You look like you've got a pep in your step” I winked at her as she pretended to shy away.

“I finally got a call from Eva.” She smiled so big she began covering her mouth with her hands. Her eyes kept shooting back to Adam.

“Oh my God! That's awesome!” I put my things down on the counter and leaned against it.

“I told her I'm not coming back.” She couldn't keep her excitement in. She was bursting at the seams. I stared at her with a blank express. “Well after we talked....” She looked over at Adam and grabbed his arm. “Adam and I looked into opening our own PR company. And I think we're going to go for it!”

“That's amazing, K!” I was genuinely surprised. Kadie had always been an ambitious person, but this was a huge step she was taking. “Are you sure y'all will be able to do it?”

“Well” Kadie's voice went down four octaves. “Adam has tons of contacts and clients that would follow him. And I have enough experience in the event industry. Plus, I haven't completely burned my bridge with Eva.”

“I'm so happy for you guys” I leaned in and gave them both a hug at the same time.

We parked ourselves in their living room. Kadie and Adam already had snacks put out on the coffee table. They didn't play around when it came to binge watching TV shows.

Four episodes into the marathon I decided to call it quits. Connor had been working that day and I wanted to head over to his place by the time he'd get home.

I decided that in order to tell Connor how I really felt, I needed to clear things up with Jonah. I wasn't sure how Connor would react. But, I finally mustered up the courage to talk to him about it.

–-------

“Hi” I greeted him as I walked into his apartment. He gave me a weak smile. It'd been awkward since the night he was at my place.

I followed him into his bedroom where he was putting some of his things together for his trip. I sat on his bed and watched him walk across the room. “How was your day” I asked, trying to make things seem as normal as possible.

“It was okay” Connor paced back and forth. He seemed like he wasn't fully there.

“So I wanted to talk to you about something.” I quietly said as I fiddled with my fingers. I knew what I was about to say wouldn't make Connor happy. “I feel like now that Jonah's in town I really need to get some closure with him.”

Connor's back was to me. He had been going through a bag of things, but stopped suddenly when he'd heard what I said. I saw his chest rise and fall before he continued doing what ever it was he was doing.

“Okay” Connor said in a low tone. Still leaving his back turned towards me.

I was shocked by his response. He didn't even try to question it. “What do you mean, 'okay'?” I asked peevingly.

He finally turned around. Avoiding eye contact, he walked over to the stack of clothes sitting next to me. I placed my hand over the stack, forcing them down, until Connor finally looked at me.

“Do I want you to see him? No. But, I got my closure from Colleen before we started dating, so it would only be fair...” He moved my hand off the stack of clothes and picked them up.

A taunting emotion came over me that I was unfamiliar with. I felt irritated that I wasn't getting a reaction out of Connor. It was almost as if his irrational behavior would give me the confirmation I needed. I could see that he was holding back. So, I intentionally pushed him for no reason.

“So you're telling me you're okay with me going to meet Jonah, by myself, to talk? Aren't you afraid something might happen?” I knew what I was doing was wrong. But, I still couldn't stop myself.

“Well then let it fucking happen, Lynn” Connor's voice grew louder “At least you'll be with someone you love, right?”

“There it is!” I crossed my legs as Connor and I stared at each other.

“This is what you wanted?” He said angrily. “Well, here it is! I'm doing everything you want me to and I still can't seem to get your respect. I'm giving you everything, Lynn, and it's getting exhausting.”

He pinched the bridge of his nose. He let out a deep breath to calm himself.

“I really just need some time to myself.” Connor's voice was low again.

I immediately felt remorseful. I couldn't figure out what I wanted and I was unconsciously taking it out on him. I made Connor go to a place emotionally that I didn't want him to be in. His words had strung and set me back into place.

“Connor” I covered my mouth. It was as if I was just realizing what happened. “I'm so sorry” I stood up from the bed and walked towards him. He held up his hands and backed away.

“I think you should leave.” His voice barely whispered.

16 comments:

  1. amazing posts, so much fun to read. and you're the nicest person. thanks!!!! hope you enjoyed the free weekend :) looking fwd to more

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  2. Chris - @nylonlover69 on TwitterJune 3, 2014 at 8:38 AM

    Shut. The. Front. Door.

    Maybe I need to go back to the beginning for research, but if Lynn is just now through her first year of Med School, we can assume she is maybe 23? And Connor seems to have been out a while so maybe 30 for him? Why be in such a rush to drop the ILY, Connor, and then get your shorts in a bunch when she didn't respond back right away? Sheesh!

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  3. Thanks for the post!
    Please put Connor out of his misery!! One way or the other. This Lynn is not treating him right!!
    Amy

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  4. Oh the dreaded "I Love You". So much pressure to avoid hard feelings if you don't say it back. If Lynn wasn't comfortable saying it back, that should tell her a lot about her feelings for Connor. Also, Connor needs to chill out. Yes, he can be embarrassed, but if she is not ready, then HE should show her some respect and give her time to say it back. She isn't being disrespectful, she was being honest. If he wants more than she can give, then he should cut her loose. If she is saying she needs closure with Jonah, then she isn't as into the relationship with Connor as she is telling herself.

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  5. I think that she is looking for validation to be with Jonah. Connor wants a family and to move on with his life and I don't think Lynn is the right person to do this with.

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  6. Why is she playing these games? She just couldn't accept that he was being mature and willing to let her do her thing with Jonah without an argument. He says he loves her, she needs to sort some things out, OK. But no, it has to escalate. Whether you are Team Connor or not, Lynn needs to grow up. mum

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    1. Agree 100%! I'm struggling with the lead females in a lot of these blogs. I'm not much older than they are but all I can think is how childish they respond to everything. This is also when I need to remind myself these are all make believe....

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  7. What the heck is up with all of Lynn Lee's men telling her they love her right before they leave! Lol I am 100% team Jonah, but I really think it was wrong of Lynn to push Connor like that to get a reaction out of him. In Connor's defense, he has been working on keeping his temper in check and even though you could see he was struggling to do so here, he still was able to keep him self from yelling at Lynn. That is, until Lynn pushed him to have an outburst.

    I will say, though, that it really bothers me how Connor keeps saying "I'm doing everything you want." He shouldn't be doing things simply because he thinks Lynn wants him to, he should be doing it because HE wants to as well. I think I would actually be a little insulted if a guy was in a relationship with me or told me he loved me just because he thought that's what I wanted, but it wasn't necessarily what he, himself, wanted. If Connor is doing all of this JUST for Lynn and not because it's actually what he wants or feels, then maybe they both need to realize that and leave it. Thank you for the double post!! Hope your finals went well!

    - Holly

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  8. Lynn is pretty reactionary which makes me think she doesn't really know herself or what she wants at all. Plus she and Connor didn't start their relationship from a place of friendship, they started way more intimately than any relationship should start. Doing that propels you into something that you perhaps shouldn't be in, but you're sex-blinded and can't see it until too late. She and Jonah took it fairly slow and became actual friends in love before they started an intimate relationship. It's a whole different ball game. If she loved Connor right now, she'd know it.

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    1. You pointed out a really good point in your post. Lynn and Jonah took it slow, because friends, became more than friends and she didn't hesitate to yell out "I Love You" because she really felt it. Her hesitation with Connor is very telling in that she may enjoy him, but is it because she honestly cares for him on that level or is he just there and she doesn't like to be alone? I guess we will find out!!

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  9. She doesnt have to say I love you back if she isnt ready, but it is very immature what she did to Connor, pushing him like that. Okay she needs closure, thats very normal, especially since Jonah just appeared out of nowhere like that, but she shouldnt have let her frustration and confusion out on Connor like that, especially after his embarassment at not having her tell him she loved him
    back.

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  10. I really like Connor and Lynn together.. I hope it can work out a bit longer!!

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  11. Aw I really like Connor and I feel so bad for him! :(

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  12. I hope she realizes Jonah is the one for her. I think they were perfect for each other. Her & Connor have a physical relationship. She & Jonah had established feelings for each other. They seemed in sync all the time.

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  13. So thanks a million for the extra post! And dunno what's going on with Lynn, but if it means she and Connor break up, im all for it. Like Connor said, they seem to sacrifice alot of themselves to be together, which isn't necessarily bad, but must be hard. #teamJonah

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  14. I about cried reading this. Just say it back! Wahh! I love it, though, always keeping me interested!

    http://lovelifela.wordpress.com

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