How Am I Gonna Be An Optimist About This?

“Shit!”

I helped Jonah off the ground and brought him into my apartment. I pulled out a chair from the breakfast table and made him sit down. He seemed to be really out of it. I wasn't sure if it was because of the crazy hours he'd been working or that Connor had actually hit him that hard.

“How long ago did this happen?” I asked, hovering over his body. He was pinching his nose with a tissue trying to stop the blood flow. I tried moving his hand to check on it, but he grimaced in pain.

“You told Connor what hap – OW!”

“When did this happen, Jonah?” He held his hand up guarding his nose from my hand. I sighed irritatedly. “Of course I told Connor. He is...was...my boyfriend.” The way things ended with Connor left a stabbing pain in my heart, but referring to our relationship in past tense was like pulling the knife out, it hurt even worse.

“I don't know...it's been a while.” Jonah slowly loosened the grip from his nose, still grimacing, and put his hand down. It was then that I saw the reddish-purple bruise. My eyes widened and Jonah quickly grew self-conscious.

“This happened a while ago and it's still bleeding?”

“It's been bleeding on and off. I don't know how to make it stop.” He sighed and shook his head. “Look, I didn't mean it like that. I know you had to tell him. You did the right thing. I just meant, I didn't know you were going to tell him so soon.”

“I'm going to touch it, okay?” I was talking as if Jonah didn't understand English. Slowly and loud.

His eyes shot up at me in fear and he blocked my hand away, “Lynn!”

“Jonah, I have to make sure it's not broken.” His hands slowly eased down as I brought mine closer to his face. I felt horrible as I watched him wince in pain. “There isn't any sign of swelling and the structure feels fine. Can you breath normally?”

“You mean besides all the blood that's coming out of my head?” I rolled my eyes. “Yeah”

“Okay, well good news, it's not broken.” I tilted his head back so his chin was pointing upwards. “Here, sit like this. I'm gonna get you some ice.” I grabbed a gel pack from the freezer and went through the medicine cabinet to find the blood pressure cuff I'd stolen from Connor's office. I mean, it's not really stealing if he has a ton of extras, right? Besides, it was one of those cool automatic ones that I'd been dying to use.

“What are you doing?” Jonah asked as I wrapped the cuff around his wrist.

“Shh” I took his arm and placed it over his heart, turning the machine on. “You have to be absolutely still and quiet to get an accurate reading.” I watched as the dashes on the screen blinked. “I told Connor so soon because a part of me knew he'd end things. I wasn't happy any more. I just wanted to be taken out of my misery. But then I felt horribly selfish when I did tell him. It was a lose-lose situation.” The machine began beeping. I took it off of his arm and read the numbers. “Well, bad news, your blood pressure is insanely high.”

“What?” Jonah removed the gel pack from his nose and rocked his head forward. I quickly pushed his head back into position. “But, I've never had high blood pressure before.”

“I'm guessing it's because you've been over exerting yourself with work lately and now the whole situation with Connor. It would explain your temperature, and dizziness, and the onset bleeding from the initial blow to the face.”

“Too soon” he mumbled as he put the gel pack back on his nose. “What should I do?”

“Well, I can give you something for the pain, but unfortunately I don't have any BP meds, so you're just gonna have to cool your jets organically.”

“This is so uncomfortable.” He rubbed his neck. “Can I at least lie down?”

I looked around and noticed the couch was messy from when I'd been sleeping there earlier. So, I took Jonah into my bedroom and fluffed my pillows before I made him lay down. “I hope you don't mind.” I picked up a couple candles I had in my room and tried to light them. “The lavender smell will help you relax.”

“You don't have to do all of this.”

“I would have done it for anyone.” I turned around and saw Jonah covering his eyes with his hand as he laid on his back. “Don't go to sleep. You need to keep yourself awake. At least an hour after the bleeding stops.”

I took the candles and put them on the bed side table.

“This is what I get for staying in the same building as the guy, huh?” Jonah laughed softly. “I was in the lobby when I heard someone cursing behind me. I turned around and his hand was in my face. I pushed him back in defense, but I knew the guy deserved to give me a good punch.”

“At least he's gone now.” I tried to imagine what happened. Connor was probably on his way out to the airport when he ran into Jonah. Knowing him, he probably immediately felt bad for causing Jonah physical pain. He wasn't a violent guy. I stopped myself in mid-thought. Why was I still making excuses for him? He probably hit Jonah and enjoyed it, there, I said it!

Jonah peeked through his fingers and noticed I was sitting across the room at my vanity table. “You know you can come sit here” He gestured at the empty space on the bed. “I'm not going to bite. I couldn't even if I wanted to.” His smiled as he pointed to his nose.

I gave him a sarcastic smile back as I walked over. “Good point!” Jonah mimicked my expression. I laid on my side facing him, propping myself up on my elbow. “I'm sorry” I whispered as I brushed his hair to the side and away from his forehead.

Jonah finally uncovered his eyes and looked at me confused. “Sorry for what?”

I checked my phone for the first time that night as I had been lighting the candles. Jonah had been trying to call me all day, since he'd been hit, but I had my phone turned off, avoiding any contact. “I didn't realize you'd been calling me.”

“I would have only lost, like, 12% of the blood from my body, but because you didn't answer me when I called you I lost a good 67%. It's all your fault.”

I laughed, “That's probably true.”

Jonah's examined my face. “You don't laugh the same way anymore.”

I was confused by what he meant. “How so?”

He went back to staring up at the ceiling. “I noticed it the day we went for coffee, and then again last night. Your laugh, it isn't the same. It was an optimistically careless and joyful laugh. It made everyone around you want in on your happiness. And now...”

I shrugged my shoulder. “I guess you just learn to adapt to the situation life puts you in. Your emotions, even the happy ones, start to reflect those moments.”

“So what moment are you in?”

After a few seconds of silence I finally answered, “a painful one.”

There was a shift in the air and our conversation was forcefully changed. It was almost as if we were distracting each other.

An hour or two had past and I eventually felt my body shut down into a slumber. I woke up the next morning to find a stationary where Jonah had once been laying.

Lynn Lee,

I realized, after you fell asleep, that I might have been the initiate of this painful moment in your life. I never fathomed how it would make you feel to watch me go. If I could have done it over again I would have chosen us. But, unfortunately that isn't the circumstance. I realize that you may need some time to heal from the wounds Connor has left behind (no pun intended...fine maybe just a little) But, I hope you can learn to be the sickeningly optimistic and carefree girl that I know you are. Until then, and just know it pains me to do this, I will give you your space. After all, my little bit of pain is nothing compared to your happiness.

Yours Always,

J