Weight Of Living

“We booked our tickets!”

Sarah threw her bag onto the desk in front of her. I snapped my head up from my laptop. Today was only the second day out of the entire year I'd come to class before Sarah. Henry trailed in behind her. He, like myself, wasn't a morning person.

“Where are you going?” I asked as I pulled my headphones out of my ear. My brain had consumed itself with thoughts when I'd ran into Jonah that morning. I tried listening to my 90's playlist in hopes to give my mind some rest. In case you're wondering, it didn't work.

“Henry and I are off to London for the summer” Sarah nudged his ribs with her elbow. He flinched from his sleepy state and gave her a half smile.

I slammed my laptop shut “What? You're going to be gone? The whole summer?” My body was completely turned towards them.

Sarah couldn't understand why I was so shocked. “Yes, of course.” She had been pulling her things out of her bag, but her actions grew slower and slower as she spoke. “We always spend summers in London.”

“Do you have to go?” I straightened my posture “I mean, this will be the first summer I'm here. What am I going to do?”

“Lynn” Sarah said apologetically, “I wish I could. It's the only time I get to spend with my family back home. Plus, I feel like I still need to sort things out with Poppy.” Her eyes wandered off. When Poppy was busted with drugs, she was immediately sent back to Paris where her family enlisted her in rehab. Everything happened so fast Sarah didn't have a chance to get the answers she needed.

“It's alright, mate.” Henry patted my shoulder. “Something tells me you'll be fine without us.”

“And if you're not...” Sarah spun back towards me, “It will be a great reason for you to come and visit!” Her voice was back to it's normal peppy tone.

The room fell silent as our professor walked into the auditorium. It was our last week of classes before we'd officially be done with our first year of medical school. The fear of exams had briefly occupied my mind from my problems outside of class.

That evening when I'd gotten home I was surprised to see Kadie's things packed up. For the past week they'd been tossed around the living room, where she was living.

“What's going on?” I asked as I walked into the apartment.

“Oh, hey” Kadie looked over her shoulder and smiled. Her eyes went back to her phone. “I think it's time I move back.”

“Kadie!” I stood behind her and shook her shoulders. “Did you finally fall off your horse and make up with Adam?”

“Shut up” Kadie managed to laugh between words. “It's kinda getting hard to live without him, I guess.”

I smiled at Kadie and she knew exactly why. It was the first time she was showing emotions towards the opposite sex. She'd always put a guard up. Even if she really liked a guy, she'd do anything to stand her ground. But, Adam was different and she was finally realizing it.

“Don't look at me like that!” She grabbed a pillow from the couch and threw it at me. I caught it in my hands and walked over to take a seat.

“Somebody's in loveeee” I teased in a singing voice.

“Speaking of love, what's going on with Jonah. Did you ever get to talk to him?” Kadie tried changing the subject from her to me. I felt the smile vanish from my face.

“Why'd you reference Jonah to love and not Connor?” Even though I knew Kadie was just kidding, it annoyed me a little that she didn't take my relationship seriously. Like it was just a game I was planning and both Jonah and Connor were at my disposal.

“Come on, Lynn.” She rolled her eyes. “You're obviously not over Jonah. He's back in town and it's freaking you out. That can only mean one thing.”

And that's when the weight of the world finally collapsed my shoulders. I dropped my head into my hands and began sobbing. I didn't exactly know why. Maybe it was the pressure of classes ending? Jonah being back in town? Trying to figure out if Connor and I were on the same page? Or maybe I was just fucking tired.

“Oh my, God!” Kadie's voice shrieked as she leaned over to lift my head up. “Lynn! What's wrong?”

“I don't know” I struggled to speak as I choked back my tears. “Everything, really.”

“Hey” Kadie scooted in closer to me and wrapped her arm around my shoulder. “It's okay, Lynn” her voice lulled me from hysterics. “I'm here. You can always talk to me.”

I felt my face burning as I wiped the tears from my eyes. I took a deep breath to calm myself before I vented. I went on to tell Kadie everything that had been going on. From the changes I was uncertain of in Connor, to the wondering words Jonah had left me with that morning.

Kadie sighed, figuring out where to start. “I know I tease you about Jonah, and I'm sorry, but that's all it is. You're with Connor. The guy is trying, whether it's for his own self betterment or for you. You need to give him the respect he deserves. Talk to Jonah, get the clarity you need, and move on. You have to figure this out before you lose both of them.”

I cringed at Kadie's last few words. I knew she was right. I had to set things straight with Jonah. He couldn't expect me to put my life on hold while he was continuing his. It wasn't fair to me, or to Connor.

I cleared my throat and jetted off the couch. I went into the kitchen to grab a cold drink. It was the perfect remedy. My eyes were numb and I felt emptied from emotions. Even if I hadn't addressed my problems, the after math of crying always sent me into a state of relaxation.

“Do you want me to stay here tonight?” Kadie followed me into the kitchen. She leaned her hips against the counter top.

“No, I'm fine. Really.” I took another sip of my drink. “I think I'd been holding everything in for too long. I just needed a good cry.” I forced myself to half smile, letting Kadie know I was okay.

She gave me a look. She'd been holding her phone in her hand. She turned it towards her and began dialing.

“Kadie, what are you doing?” I asked as I watched her put the phone to her ear.

She lipped the word nothing and waited for who ever she was calling to pick up.

“Hey, it's getting kinda late. I think I'll just come tomorrow morning.”

“It's only 8pm” Kadie didn't know, but I could hear Adam's voice through the phone.

“Alright, I'll see you then.” She smiled and hung up her phone. “So, do you feel like Chinese or pizza?”

“Kadie” I sighed “You really didn't have to do that.”

“You're always there for me, Lynn.” She smiled as she scrolled through her phone for the delivery number.

I went back to the living room and snuggled myself into the couch cushions. Kadie eventually joined me. I noticed her resume along with a stack of papers on the coffee table. I was so consumed with my worries I'd forgotten to ask about hers. “Haven't heard from Eva yet?”

“It's been a week, I'm starting to get the hint.” Her lashes fluttered. “I've been applying to other companies just in case.”

“You should just start your own PR firm. That way you can't get fired.” I joked as I grabbed for the TV remote. Kadie let out a laugh at my comment.

“Yeah, sure. Like that could ever happen.” She took the remote from my hands and started flipping through the channels.

I was mindlessly talking at this point. “I mean, Adam's a lawyer who deals with celebrities. You're in PR. It kind of works out perfectly doesn't it?”

I hadn't even realized what was going on until Kadie stopped on the golfing channel.

Her head slowly turned towards me “Lynn, I think you might be on to something...”