Hate With A Passion

“Take in a deep breath. Imagine you're inhaling crisp, clean, fresh air. Let it enter your nasal cavities, fill your lungs, and run through your blood stream. Now imagine that fresh air pushing out the dark, dirty, negative air, and exhale all of your toxins”

I tried concentrating on my breathing as I sat with my eyes closed in a meditation pose. It was hard fulfilling inner peace when all I wanted to do was wring Connor's neck.

That stupid son of a bitch I thought to myself.

“Let your body relax with each breath” The yoga instructor came around and rubbed my shoulders to loosen the tension.

It was Saturday morning and I figured I'd give Kadie's hot yoga class another try. Mainly because it was freezing outside and anything hot sounded good...even yoga.

I slightly lifted my eye open to see Kadie doing the same. As the instructor turned her attention away from me Kadie mouthed “RELAX!!” We both quickly shut our eyes when the instructor came back around again.

“As you exhale, and we end our session for today, I'd like to leave with the words of Sandra Bullock, 'I'm a true believer of Karma. You get what you give whether good or bad.' I'll see everyone next week, Nasmaste!”

“Sandra Bullock? Really?” I whispered to Kadie as we rolled up our yoga mats “What kind of place is this, Kadie?”

“Well it is New York” Kadie rebuttaled “But, that's besides the point. Lynn, I know what Connor did last night was fucked up, but you need to move on and get over it”

I rolled my eyes “Oh please, Kadie! I know your Chakra is at peace right now, but if it was you Connor screwed over you would've already had him hanging by his feet from the top of the Empire State Building!”

“Do you even know what a Chakra is, Lynn?” Kadie gave me a look.

Kadie and I grabbed our bags, bundled ourselves into our coats, and made our trek in the unruly cold back to the apartment.

The entire walk Kadie lectured me about moving past negative situations. She always did this after yoga class. It was like, for one hour every week after class she was suddenly the Dalai Lama. I knew she was just having a brief moment of enlightenment, so I'd just pretend like I was listening. This week's lesson was Karma. “Remember what the instructor said, you get what you give. You gave him every reason to do what he did. Was it messed up? Yes. But, let's just give him the benefit of the doubt, and remove ourselves from the situation”

When we got back to the apartment I threw my drenched clothes in the wash and jumped into the shower. It was almost noon and I had a lot of work to get done, so I packed my things and spent the rest of the day at the school's library.

The rest of my weekend was spent highlighting chapters and memorizing note cards.

I was fully numb to my daily schedule. I would wake up everyday at the same time, go to class at the same time, eat the same snacks during breaks, go to the same study session after school with the same people, come home and sleep at the same time. And then start all over again the next morning.

That's why Wednesday after school, I decided to break the train of events and take a different route home. More like I dozed off in the subway and missed the stop for my apartment. I had to get off at the next one which was a few blocks away.

When I walked out onto the street I immediately recognized the building I was standing outside of. It was the offices where Corey and I came for the research study. It was also where Connor's office was. I inhaled a deep breath and tried to ignore any temptations I had to trash his office. Instead I exhaled those toxins and turned my petite self around and headed towards the cross walk.

Ah, fuck it I thought to myself I can grow up another day

I marched into the building and went straight for Connor's office. When I walked in there was an elderly couple sitting in the waiting room.

“Can I help you, miss?” the receptionist called out from behind the glass window.

“Is Dr. Cassidy available?” I asked.

“Dr. Cassidy is actually done with appointments for today. If there's an emergency I can schedule you to see one of the other doctors” She began typing away on her computer.

I looked up to see Connor in the background walking out of one exam room and into the next. I opened the door from the waiting room leading to the back office.

“Excuse me, miss! You can't come back here without an appointment!” She quickly jumped from her seat to stop me from coming in, but I was already half way down the hall.

I heard her footsteps pacing faster as I entered the exam room. There was no one inside. Connor was sitting at the computer going over a patients information. He looked up shocked when he saw me standing in the doorway.

Just then the receptionist came and pulled my arm “I'm sorry Dr. Cassidy! I told her she couldn't come back here!”

“It's okay Lisa, it's fine. I know her” Connor stood up from his chair.

I shook her grip off of my arm and stared at her as she quietly walked back to her desk. Connor pulled me into the room and shut the door.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” He whispered angrily

“What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you?!” I poked his shoulder with my finger as I loudly whispered back.

“You know what Lynn, I honestly would've never asked you out to dinner if I knew you were this psychotic!”

“I'm psychotic?!" My eyes were practically popping out of my head "I didn't purposely leave you at dinner, Connor! You intentionally stood me up!” I was standing on the foot stool of the examination bed so that Connor and I were at the same level.

“I told you I couldn't come! You left me hanging when I asked you to go out the next night!”

“You're such a liar! You never told me anything! Instead you made me look like a fool in front of half of Manhattan's dating pool!” Connor was a few inches away from me so I nudged him back.

“Look!” irritated, Connor grabbed his phone and pulled up the text thread between the two of us “Friday at 5 o clock I texted 'Working late tonight, can we reschedule for tomorrow?' and look what's after that Lynn, nothing! Because you never replied!”

“Why couldn't you just call me?” I meant to sincerely ask Connor but we were still in an angry whisper match. I pulled out my phone and showed him how I never received his text.

We stared at each others phone and realized it was a technical mistake on both our behalf. But, neither one of us wanted to apologize.

"This is on you, not me!" I pointed my finger at Connor's face. 

Connor grabbed my hand and took a step closer. He wrapped his hands around my neck and pulled me in for a kiss.

I was confused by the whole thing, but I didn't question it. How could I? The only thing I could think of was how soft Connor's lips were. I wrapped my arms around his neck and allowed him to continue.

“I thought you didn't like me” I whispered before Connor kissed me again.

“I thought you were this smart gorgeous girl when I first met you” I began kissing his neck as he continued talking “And then you pissed me off at dinner. And then again last week”

I looked up at Connor and his baby blue eyes were staring back at me “What about now?”

“You're especially pissing me off right now, because I really want to hate you, but you look too damn good” the corner of Connor's mouth went up into a smile and I couldn't help but giggle.

He leaned me back until I was sitting on the examination bed. "Well, I still hate you too"  

"Oh yeah?"Connor's warm hands found their way up my legs. Just when he was about to unbutton my jeans there was a knock at the door.

“Shit!” Connor jumped back and straightened his shirt and tie. Lisa opened the door a few seconds later and came into the room to see Connor sitting by the computer while I sat on the examination bed. He was scribbling onto his prescription pad.

“Here's the lab results you wanted” Lisa handed Connor a stack of folders as she gave me the stink eye.

“Great!” He took them from her hands “And this is for you" He tore off the sheet of paper he was scribbling on and stood up “This should help, but if it doesn't you can always come back to see me. Lisa can see you out to the front”

I looked down at the note as I followed Lisa.

Getting off in an hour, your place or mine?