Matters of The Heart

“Connor?”

I rolled over to see an empty space on his side of the bed. Last night, after the whole fiasco at Kadie's place, I ended up crashing here. We spent most of the night talking. I filled him in on Poppy and how she was going after Kadie. It was getting late and I didn't feel like heading home, so Connor convinced me to stay.

“Connor?” I called out again, louder this time.

I looked around the room. The bathroom door was open with no one inside. I put on my Hello Kitty socks to protect them from the cold wooden floors and jumped out of bed. I walked into the empty living room. There was no sight of Connor, even in the kitchen. I figured he went out for his morning run and headed back to bed.

Just then I felt arms tightly wrap around me. I yelped, not knowing who it was. My body slowly relaxed when I heard Connor softly laugh. His breath just hitting the nape of my neck. “Are you that easily frightened?” He spun me around so we were facing each other. His hands resting at my waist.

“You didn't answer me.” I rolled my eyes. “I thought you were out”

He leaned down and kissed me before he walked to the bedroom. “I just got back from my run”. I stood where he'd left me. I quietly watched as he took off his shirt and threw it on the ground. He shimmied out of his shorts and stood naked with only his boxers on. His sweaty body glistened in the sunlight that was pouring into the room. Connor stopped just at the edge of the bathroom door. “Are you gonna join me, or what?” He flashed a smile, revealing his pearly whites.

I slowly walked towards him. “I actually need to head home” I said, teasingly.

Connor held onto the door frame as his expression intensified, obviously playing along. “What?” He shook his head and walked towards me. “Oh, hell na! You bes' getcho ass over here!” he shouted in a weak attempt at a country accent. I started laughing uncontrollably. Connor picked me up and laid me on to the bed.

I sat leaning on my elbows as I wiped his sweat off of me, “Gross!”

Connor's face lit up as he smiled. I knew he was up to something. “Oh really, you think that's gross?” He laid his body on top of mine. I could feel the wetness all over.

“Ew!” I tried shouting between my laughs.

Connor, who was laughing along, lifted his body up as if he were about to get off the bed. “Now you have to come with me,” He grabbed my hand and pulled me up. We began kissing passionately as he removed my clothing. When I was finally naked, he wrapped my legs around his body and carried me into the shower.

“You know, I don't think I give you enough credit.” I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around myself as I stepped out of the shower. Connor followed my lead. I turned my head to see him smiling at me through the foggy mirror.

“You really don't” He turned around and leaned against the bathroom counter.

I walked over and stood between his knees, wrapping my arms around his neck. We stared into each others eyes and suddenly I'd forgotten what we were talking about. “I...I...” I stammered.

“See!” Connor let out a slight laugh before he kissed me. “You're so cute” he stood up straight and turned back towards the sink. He grabbed his facial scrub and began washing his face. I walked back into his bedroom and changed into my clothes.

“Hey, do you mind grabbing my cream from my side table?” I heard Connor call out from the bathroom. It'd dawned on me that if I opened the drawer, there would be no denying the fact that I'd seen the pictures. Connor and I were having an amazing morning and I didn't know if I wanted anything to off set it. Just as I pulled the drawer open, I heard Connor's voice again, “Actually, don't!”

I looked up to see him standing at the door. He'd already changed into his t-shirt and shorts. My eyes shot between him and the photographs. I couldn't play it off anymore. He walked over, avoiding eye contact, and grabbed a small container of lotion from his drawer before shutting it.

“What was that?” I asked.

“What was what?” Connor acted confused.

“That picture of you with a woman.” I followed Connor to the edge of his bed.

He looked up at me, as if I'd seen something that wasn't there, and continued to rub lotion on himself. “Those?” he nudged his head towards the drawer. “Those are nothing.”

So this was how he was going to play it. Irritated, I walked over to the drawer and pulled out the pictures. I walked back over to him and put them in his hands. I made sure the picture of him kissing the woman he was with was on top. “This doesn't look like 'nothing'”

“These are old, Lynn!” Connor stood up and tossed the pictures on his bed before walking away. I followed him into the kitchen, where he was rummaging through the fridge.

“Connor, I'm not upset. I just want to know why these pictures are in your bedside table?” I leaned against the kitchen counter as I watched him.

“Why does it matter? I said they're old. Just drop it.” His voice was growing more and more irritated.

“I can't just drop it. When I see pictures of my boyfriend...” I stopped for a second to realize it was the first time I was referring to Connor as my boyfriend, and I quickly became upset that this was the context I was using it in. “...kissing another woman, regardless if she's an ex or not, I'm going to want to know why he still has them.”

Connor stopped what he was doing and looked straight at me. And then he said the five words that are equivalent to the shot heard round the world. “Why are you so jealous?”

I was about to say something, but stopped. I squinted my eyes and stood up straight. “What?” I asked harshly. He threw out his arms as if he were waiting for an answer. “What the hell did you just say?” I slowly walked towards him.

“I want to know why the fuck you're so jealous, Lynn.” He lightly tapped the back of one hand against the palm of the other as he spoke.

I stopped walking when I was a couple of feet away. My tone was just as harsh as before, but I lowered my volume. “I'm sorry if you think I'm being jealous. But, what you're doing is not fair, Connor.” I folded my arms across my chest. “You knew that I wanted to take it slow to make sure we were both in this together. I didn't want this to happen.” I pointed between the both of us.

“We can never have a conversation about feelings without you getting so defensive! If it's so hard for you to tell me things, why are you even with me?” I stood looking up at Connor. His eyes were fixed on the ground. I sighed, annoyed, when I didn't get a response out of him. “You told me you were ready. Obviously not. Once a playboy always a playboy.” I walked away back into the bedroom.

That seemed to set it off with Connor. “Playboy?” His voice boomed through the room. “You think I'm a playboy? You know, that's your problem, Lynn. Why can't you just accept that I'm with you because I like you? It's like you want to find it impossible to trust me just because of the way I look!”

He took a breath to calm himself “You want to talk about suppressed feelings? Then why don't you explain why you can't look me in the God damn eyes and tell me how I make you feel?” His voice grew quiet with each word as he referred to the moment we shared in the shower. I felt a jolt through my body. Connor was right. I'd never thought twice about it until he said it aloud. I couldn't even give him the pleasure of telling him how much I actually liked him.

He turned around to leave the room. Just as he got to the doorway of the bedroom he turned back towards me. “I didn't want to tell you this because I didn't want you to feel sorry for me. Those pictures...” He pointed towards the bed where they were still scattered. “Are of Jessica. She died in a car accident with her boyfriend a few months after we divorced. I still loved her at that time and that's why it took me so long to get over her.” I felt my heart stop for a moment.

“When I told you I went back to Boston to patch things up with Colleen, I also went to go see Jessica's mom. She was my mother-in-law after all. She never knew why we divorced, so she assumes I still have a place in my heart for Jess. She found those pictures and gave them to me for my memory. When I saw them, it was honestly the first time I didn't feel anything.” Connor got quiet as he ran his hand through his hair. “You were the only reason I went and got closure.” I felt my face burning with embarrassment. Like I'd let Connor down. He cleared his throat and continued casually, “anyway, when I got back home I tossed the pictures in my drawer and forgot about them.”

I stood up from the bed and walked towards Connor. “I'm so sorry” before I could give him a hug, he lifted up his hand to stop me.

“I really just need some space right now.” He walked over to the kitchen counter and grabbed his keys. “Don't wait up for me.” his voice echoed as the front door closed behind him.